AS THOSE OF US WHO live here know, and are thankful for, violent crimes in Marquette are rare. Most engagement is of the property damage type, or crimes that don’t involve personal injury. But it’s also important to recognize, any time our police officers are called to duty, there’s no guarantee of a peaceful conclusion. Their safety and well-being is of the utmost importance.
With that in mind, it’s time again for a look at selected recent criminal activity found in the Police Logs published in the Mining Journal. As a public service to those who don’t regularly see the paper, Word on the Street presents an edited sampling of some of the more peculiar calls our police department responds to, including WOTS publisher commentary.
In no particular order, these are actual entries in the Mining Journal’s Police Log:
• 8:01 pm Report of a smoke detector going off. Subject had burnt food. Everything is okay. -Well… everything but dinner.
• 11:39 am Group of subjects possibly smoking marijuana. Everyone gone on arrival. -At least they’re not burning dinner.
• 8:09 pm Report of illegal parkers in the cul-de-sac. –More information needed. The car is parked illegally… or are they “parking” in the back seat? What’s next? Heavy petting in the roundabout?
• 11:01 am Suspicious male on Presque Isle telling people to leave. -Reminds me of a bumper sticker I once saw… Welcome to the U.P. Now go home.
• 12:11 pm Caller reported subject hitting golf balls into the lake. Subject left prior to officer’s arrival. -At $55 a dozen, I doubt they were Titleist Pro V’s.
• 7:15 pm Officer flagged down on Presque Isle Avenue in reference to a house being egged. –At $8 a dozen, I doubt they were cage-free Jumbos.
• 3:24 pm Subject unable to get out of parking space. Assistance given. Parking brake was on. -Officer’s thinking… this is why I went through the police academy?
• 4:06 pm Caller reports receiving suspicious text messages and calls over the past 24 hours. Seeking advice. -Welcome to the club. I’d be more worried if you hadn’t received such messages. At least you know someone cares.
• 12:43 pm Officer located signs for “College Hunks.” Called subjects and advised to remove signs. -What are they teaching in the marketing classes over there?
• 12:20 pm Report of college students smoking on the beach. -Must have hooked up with the hunks.
• 1:56 pm Subjects seeking to help friend who they believed is in an online romance scam. -Where are the local hunks when you need them?
• 10:43 pm Two females in the roadway, one laying in the middle of the road. All okay. Subjects taking pictures. –Apparently a local twist on Abbey Road. Watch for the album drop.
• 12:09 pm Complaint regarding neighbor’s chickens. Owner spoken to and stated she would lock them in her yard from now on. –Again… at $8 a dozen, you might want to rethink that complaint.
• 10:41 Caller inquiring what to do with property she had been storing for someone for several months. -Simple. Yard Sale.
• 8:48 pm Report of a skunk in the area. -Either that, or it’s those kids smoking pot.
• 1:29 pm Verbal argument about the past between couple. –So what’s the cop supposed to do… declare a winner?
• 10:56 am Raccoon on property. Gone on arrival. -Uh… no words.
• 7:39 am Caller reported suspicious male wearing all black running in the area. Unable to locate. -Did he look like a raccoon?
• 6:27 pm Report of a raccoon with distemper. -Wearing all black?
• 7:05 pm Suspicious item in water, determined to be a buoy. -Near another suspicious item in water, determined to be a boat.
• 8:57 am Report of a machete on a trash can. Removed for safekeeping and destruction. -Don’t you hate it when people are too lazy to put their machete IN the trash can?
• 1:59 pm Report of vehicle vs pedestrian. No injuries reported. -When taking on a vehicle, don’t forget your machete.
• 5:15 pm Report of male subject with no shoes who appears confused. Area checked, unable to locate. -First your machete… now your shoes? Were you hanging with those pot smokers? That might explain your confusion.
• 7:32 pm Report of intermittent high-pitched alarm coming from building. Area checked. Unable to locate alarm. –Sounds like a severe case of tinnitus. I think you can find a cure for that online.
• 2:56 pm Report of subject dumping animal carcasses on the beach. -When you’re dumping organic materials, is that still considered littering?
• 5:50 pm Caller located a shattered marijuana bong. Cleaned up. -Bob Marley is rolling in his grave.
• 1:26 pm Report of two dogs fighting. Resulted in female getting bit. -Ain’t that the way it goes? You try to be a peacemaker, and what happens? You get bit. Lesson learned.
• 5:54 pm Report of female subject sitting in her vehicle for several hours. Female stated she was okay. –More information needed, like… are you waiting for a college hunk?
• 1:00 pm Student suspected of consuming alcohol. Breath test administered. .000 test result. –Okay. If you appear drunk, without drinking, you should probably avoid alcohol, forever.
• 10:11 am Caller advised that her dog got attacked by a car. Incident occurred on campus, assistance given. –Sounds like a new spin on “man bites dog.”
• 11:28 pm Suspicious vehicle. Moved along. -Was it wearing black?
• 11:20 pm Report of subjects throwing snowballs at cars. Gone on arrival. -Cheaper than eggs.
• 6:08 pm Report of lost or stolen wallet at YMCA. Complainant later found his wallet. -Probably the same guy that broke his bong. Havin’ a bad day.
A safe community isn’t something we can take for granted. It takes all of us to keep it that way. We can’t control the actions of others, but we can set an example of how we expect others to behave.
And when that doesn’t work? Call the cops.