Police Log – Third Edition

AS THOSE OF US WHO live here know, and are thankful for, violent crimes in Marquette are rare. Most engagement is of the property damage type, or eBikes on the all-purpose path, or crimes that don’t involve personal injury.  But it’s also important to recognize, any time our police officers are called to duty, there’s no guarantee of a peaceful conclusion.  Their safety and well-being is of the utmost importance.

With that in mind, it’s time again for a look at selected recent criminal activity found in the Police Logs published in the Mining Journal.  As a public service to those who don’t regularly see the paper, Word on the Street presents an edited sampling of some of the more peculiar calls our police department responds to, including WOTS publisher commentary.

In no particular order, these are actual entries taken from the Mining Journal’s Police Log:

•  2:55 am  Report of subject in the parking lot for several hours.  Vehicle out of gas.  Officer assistance given.  -There has to be more to this story, but I’m sure none of it would make any more sense.

•  7:00 am  Complainant concerned significant other had not returned home after bar closed.  Subject later returned home.  -I doubt the “I was waiting until I was sober to drive” excuse is gonna fly.  I wouldn’t buy it either.

•  12:18 pm  Fraud complaint.  Counterfeit bills.  -Rookie mistake.  Twenties only.  A $25 bill will usually get someone’s attention.

•  8:59 pm  Report of residence being egged.  No damage occurred.   –At today’s prices, it was probably just one egg.

•  3:16 pm  Complainant reports being followed by ex-boyfriend while driving.  Contact made with both parties.  Property retrieved from vehicle and turned over to subject.  -I’m guessing there was a class ring involved.

•  6:45 pm  Wellbeing check on a female.  Didn’t want assistance.  -Can’t a girl just get some alone time?

•  9:16 pm  Loud noise complaint.  No loud noise detected  -Tinnitus is a terrible thing.

•  5:40 pm  Report of a sick raccoon on the property.  Animal was examined by officers on scene and didn’t appear to be sick.  -Our officers don’t get paid enough.  It’s one thing to wrangle a drunk into the back of the squad car.  It’s another thing altogether to “examine” a raccoon.  How does that even work?  Is there a thermometer involved?

•  7:14 pm  Report of a female that left a pair of shoes and her purse on the beach.  Area checked, unable to locate.  -A purse, I understand.  But at what point did she realize she didn’t have her shoes? 

•  4:05 pm  Caller stated a subject has been yelling at their dog for three days.  Officer checked the area, did not hear a subject yelling.  -Three days?  That’s nothing.  I yelled at my kid for 15 years.

•  12:53 pm  Report of an injured duck at park.  Duck not injured, just a juvenile.  Placed back in water by officer.    -And that’s why Marquette isn’t a bad place to be a police officer.  Think you’d ever see a report like that in the Detroit Free Press?

•  5:54 pm  Caller reports people have been stopping by offering to do housework.  Legitimate businesses attempting to obtain work.  -When people take one look at your house and decide you need help, that’s more on you than them.

4:20 pm  Complainant accused hair stylist of intentionally cutting hair to look like opposite sex.  Demanded refund and apology.  -Officer informed complainant hair will grow back.  And it didn’t look that bad.

•  10:53 am  Student refusing to go to school.  Truancy report requested  -Probably didn’t want to miss “The Price is Right.”

•  9:13 pm  Subject advised that somebody attempted to enter their vehicle while they were sleeping in it.  No entry gained.  -In the race to the bottom… this one’s a tie.

•  10:58 pm  Report of a subject laying in the grass.  Located by EMS in the woods.  Subject stated he was fine and left the area.  -If he’d been let into that sleeping guy’s car, this wouldn’t have been a problem.   

•  9:57 am  Wellbeing check for student absent for a week, unable to reach parent.  Student moved without notifying school.   -No different than the airport.  You’re supposed to announce your departure.

•  4:26 pm  Complainant states her ex-boyfriend is continuing to contact her after being warned to cease contact.  -Dude… it’s over.  Give her back her purse and shoes and move on.

•  12:08 am  Breaking and entering without force.  -So, just entering? 

•  12:25 pm  Non-aggravated assault.  -Same guy that entered without breaking anything?  Not much of a criminal, if you ask me.

•  6:40 pm  Park patrol report of uncooperative subjects in hammocks.  Subjects moved along and advised of ordinance.  –Ah… tough guys in hammocks.  I’ll support the next candidate who promises to rid society of tough guys in hammocks.

•  4:57 pm  Report of vehicle driving on bike path, unable to locate.  -And you thought eBikes on the path were a problem.

•  11:20 pm  Report of subjects throwing snowballs at cars.  Gone on arrival.  -Snowballs… much cheaper than eggs.

•  9:37 am  Report of subject at apartment complex telling people their water is going to be shut off.  Gone on arrival.  -Sounds like the classic victimless crime.  So why bother?

•  4:59 pm  Report of juveniles “ding dong ditching.”  Unfounded.  -Maybe they were just looking for work.

Thanks again to our policemen and women who respond to these calls, never knowing what they might run into.  Let’s hope it’s all non-aggravated.

Stay safe!